me, myself, & new york city

I had an impromptu date with this fine city today. Just me, my camera, surrounded by the only thing I felt like I really needed at the moment; New York. Its people, charm, constant life. I set out for the village, my favorite place of all. One moment I'm on 7th ave with crowds and cabs, and the next I'm on a quaint block left only with my thoughts.

And oh, yes. Spring is coming. I can feel it. Breathe it. Dream it. Along with every other city dweller who is long over this frigid winter. Today was the second Saturday in a row where I could wear a lightweight coat, ankle boots, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. It was a frabjous day. One for the books, (or blog), I'd like to think. 

I felt adventurous. I felt good and happy and was brought back to the time where I realized I wanted to call NYC home one day. I was in the West Village.

I tend to just wander when I'm in the village. It's so easy to do that. When I found myself on Bleecker St., there was no question that I had to keep walking until I fell face-to-face with my favorite pizza joint in the city, Bleecker St. Pizza. I ordered a slice of white and walked back outside where the baskets of the delivery bikes doubled as my table as I stood beside them. It was breezy and sunny, and my hat and half-eaten pizza almost blew away with the wind, but I loved it.

It would have been nice to grab coffee with friends, chat about daily life and what-have-you, but today, I just wanted to explore alone. People-watch, possibly discover something new about myself. New York is perfect for that.

While I strolled the village, I noticed many couples hand-in-hand. More than I usually do. Maybe it's because I wasn't in a constant rush like most days, or maybe it's because of what has been on my mind lately. Most of the time, I like me. I can find the utmost satisfaction spending time with just myself. Today was a prime example of that. I actually feel fortunate that I am this way. Independence and self-happiness are things I truly value. But I can't deny those times where I crave the comfort of another soul. Not just friend-wise, but partner-wise as well. I've never been in a "real relationship". Some would argue it's a good thing, less heart-ache and all that. Others may find themselves in a new relationship just as quickly as their last one ended. Me, I was never really one to think about it all that much. My 'sort-of-motto' has always been something like, "Well, he'll come along someday." But recently, I think about it more and more. And notice it too. They're sharing laughs over brunch, cupping hands in the park... You know, the cliche things people in relationships do.

Everyone has their insecurities, and mine tend to really get in my head. I most definitely have them to thank, at least partially, for not feeling that spark, that connection, very often with someone. Of course the usual things play a role too; being picky (I'm getting better), being busy, etc.

There was that rare time in December. The time when I met someone I just clicked with. It was certainly unexpected, but exciting and new and made me feel a little bit of hope for myself in the crazy world of dating, (and in New York City, nonetheless.) I discovered that the major insecurity I have about myself, he actually really liked. Which was just completely unfathomable to me. But damn, it made me feel so much better about myself. Our first date was the most fun I'd had in while, at least by first-date-standards. When we spent time together, I enjoyed myself. He was silly and open, which made me feel comfortable around him. He brought me out of my comfort zone and I felt more outgoing when I was with him. The introvert in me really liked that. It was also a nice change-of-pace to actually have someone to do daily things with.

However, as things started to feel a bit more like a relationship, rather than casually dating, he just shut off. Ultimately, I knew we were too different for each other. And If I'm being honest, I never really saw a future with the guy. But for the here, for the now, I was content. So we did that thing people in our position do.. "lets just be friends." And well, that was pretty much it. Despite the short time of dating him, and knowing he wasn't "the guy of my dreams" or whatever, it still hurt just a little bit. It's that thought. The thought that someone got to know you, but doesn't want you... It just feels a bit insulting. We want to be wanted, insecurities and all.

It was like I was given a small taste of what actually finding comfort in another might be like, and yeah, it tasted pretty good. I think that's why I'm still holding on a little bit. Not necessarily to him, but to the idea of him. And if you are reading this, guy-friend, I feel compelled to say that I really am happy we met. You are a nice person, and a gentleman at that. Thanks for going out to get hot chocolate in the snow even though we had just met. That was pretty cool of you. (Oh, and opening every door for me for the first few weeks we were dating. That was cool, too.)

Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll bounce back to good ol' me soon. Not thinking about men/relationships/everything that comes with it, and just enjoying what I have going in life right now. Like the homemade guac waiting for me in my fridge, or you know, just living part of my dream in the greatest city ever.